Since my Big Reveal in January, I have been through a LOT of transition. I won’t get into the nitty gritty details, but it all culminates with me moving to Los Angeles. I have wanted to be out here for a long time, since high school actually. From not getting the encouragement that I needed at the time, to building up quite a business in Chicago, it didn’t make sense for me to leave, but there was always that pull. Things are still great in Chicago and I still work and produce there but I came out west to keep pushing myself. I’ve never done a move so big before, so there is a lot to get used to, but so far, I am loving it.
In addition to transitioning to a new city, I’m also transitioning to a new performance life. I have a new perspective on things and I’ve been performing more and more without my wig. I feel my best when I am able to be myself. I know wigs are just an accessory and you can still be yourself with them, but for me, they carry something different. They make me feel inauthentic. I know this feeling is due to my bad experience with them as a child (hair falling off during a rousing game of duck-duck-goose) but I can’t shake it, and I’m not sure I want to.
I’m enjoying this new freedom but it’s also hard to navigate in a city that is so image conscious. Sure, walking around as I am, people seem to dig the look, but then it’s time to perform. Things run through my head like, ‘will they accept me like this?’ ‘do I need to meet their expectations?’ ‘what about my expectations?’ ‘what about the producer’s expectations?’ and so on. It’s kind of a spiral of indecision and self doubt that starts to well up right before a show.
The thing is that I know I can sell the shit out of this look if I’m doing a hard edged act. It make sense. Where I start to panic, is in the selling of ‘glamour’. Can I wear feathers and sparkles and still be ‘burlesque’? What does it all mean?! (I have much more to say on these topics but I’ll get to those in another post.)
I want to share with you the first time I performed without a wig. This was at Lucha Va Voom in Los Angeles. It was also the premiere of a brand new act, so, ya know, no pressure!
Please enjoy ‘Leatherette’.
Well, that made me feel GOOD! That was back in February and now it’s August. I just recently performed with Lucha again and this great article came out on Blurred Culture.
I think that you are ready to accept me. And Los Angeles seems ready to accept me. The only question is if I am ready to accept me. The answer is yes. I’m ready.