I’ve been struggling with how to sum up this year. It’s been a big one for me and I have learned so much! I feel like I’m in an emotional puberty. A growth spurt for the soul. Definitely feeling some growing pains, but also feeling very excited and open for the future.
In 2018, I began the year with coming out about my alopecia. It was a burden to me for so long. A source of shame, embarrassment and insecurity. Those feelings have lessened considerably, but they are still there. While I will continue to try to rid myself of them completely, I’m still doing what I do in the face of these feelings. I’m not letting them hold me back. You have been amazing in this whole process and I have learned that I have the best fans on the planet! Your support is so touching and beautiful and I am forever grateful for that.
I continued on to new beginnings in 2018 with a big move to Los Angeles. This has always been something that I wanted for myself and was finally able to make it happen. I have been traveling to LA for years, but living here is surpassing all expectations and also providing some serious reality checks. I am incredibly inspired here. There is so much stimulus and there is so much talent. I have the opportunity for opportunity and the hustle is strong. This city is not one for the faint of heart. You need to be very strong in yourself to be here. Everyone here is beautiful and everyone here is ‘doing it’ or putting on the appearance of ‘doing it’. In my darker times, I wonder if I’m ‘doing it’. I also find it ironic that I’m going through this incredible life transition in a city that is so image obsessed. I am the burlesque dancer with the shaved head that comes out and performs in Hollywood. How strange and unexpected! The expectations of women and sexuality is something that I am constantly fighting, but trying to fight with love instead of anger. I will admit, that it has been really challenging for me to perform sometimes. While I might feel fine walking around on a daily basis, my doubtful devil begins to get louder when I am backstage with the ‘pretty’ girls. The ones with the perfect hair and the boobs and the corsets and ‘the look’. I can get really inside my own head and start to question everything. Now, you might be saying, ‘Well, just put on a wig and everything will be fine.’ Not really. I’m not anti-wig. I will wear them sometimes. Part of my mission, and it has ALWAYS been my mission, is to portray an authentic sexuality and sensuality. Honesty is rare these days and I want to provide the most sincere experience I can in my art. I can do that by going out there as I am and make a statement in a loving way. I will always believe that your vulnerability, or your perceived vulnerability, is your strength. Just think of your favorite superhero and embrace your own power.
I’ve also developed the idea of Gl’amour, the truth behind glamour. The concept of glamour is something that I’ve always struggled with. I can’t decide if it is the ultimate truth or the ultimate mask. Where does that line begin to blur? This is a concept that I’m excited about exploring further this year.
As for resolutions, I don’t have any. Growth is my only goal. I want to grow as an artist, as a teacher, as a spiritual being, as a lover and as a friend. I am passionate about deep dives into yourself where you can find what is lurking in the shadows, no matter how uncomfortable.
If you are struggling with resolutions, perhaps realizing that time is not linear will help you. There doesn’t have to be an end date on the old self on the 31st. If you need to naturally transition to something healthier, do that. Maybe that happens Jan 15th. Maybe it happens in February or June. Your new year can be whenever you want it to be. Remove the pressure from yourself and listen to what it is that you need in the moment and honor that. (Does it sound like I’ve been taking a lot of yoga in Hollywood? Yes, I have.) Let’s have a year where we compare ourselves less to others and get excited about what we have to offer to ourselves and to others. I’ll do that if you do that.
I hope to see more of you in Los Angeles, Chicago, and wherever else the tease may take me this year!
Beauty is truth.